The Illegiterati

Despite being an intelligent, well-educated, practical, feminist woman, I read Twilight. I read the crap out of Twilight. I don’t know why I did, particularly past the first one, but I did even though the amount of satisfaction I got from it didn’t even come close to the amount of anger it inspired in me.

To make up for the hours of my life I spent reading a poorly written, poorly characterized, plotless behemoth with basically no redeeming qualities except vampire sex, here are some things that would have made it way better. After the jump, because spoilers, if you care about that sort of thing.

More of everyone except Bella and Edward

I know, I know, they’re the main characters, but these people are boring. Did you even notice that Jasper’s backstory was awesome? It was about vampires creating vampire armies to oust other vampire armies, and it was great. Yeah, it was kind of racist because apparently Mexicans are extra-evil, and it kind of implied that Southerners are power-hungry dolts, but it was a solid idea. Lots of the vampires who came in at the end seemed really exciting, too. If there were a book about Garrett (the vampire from the American Revolution), and it were written by someone else, I’d read it on a plane.

More Vampire-(actual) werewolf conflict

She briefly mentions toward the end of book four that the Volturi had actual conflict with real werewolves–like, the kind with the full moon thing–and one almost killed Caius. I read the vampire list in the back, because I’m that kind of reader, and pieced together that a werewolf actually killed Caius’ mate. That fact alone is more interesting than the entire final “battle.” Speaking of mates, why were the Volturi wives kept in a tower?

More intra-vampire conflict

The Italian vampires and the Romanian vampires have a long-lasting feud which, according to Dracula #1, has been going on since Rome was a village on some hills. That could have taken up a few pages, instead of more, “Oh Edward is so gosh darned PRETTY.” I would have read about how the Volturi came to power over the Romanians, besides “Stephenie Meyer has only read Anne Rice, not Bram Stoker.” Also, why were there no Asian or African vampires? I thought that was weird.

Sexual dysfunction

Bella finally gets Edward to fuck, and he’s terrible. It’s terrible. She questions the meaning of love, marriage, companionship, and orgasms, and either it turns into Valley of the Dolls or she cuts her hair and goes to Lilith Fest, where she meets someone named Annette who can satisfy her.

No happy ending!

I would have forgiven this whole series all its transgressions if it had had some sort of horrifyingly bleak twist endings. Like, the bad vampires kill both Edward and Jacob, but leave Bella and her daughter alone in the world. Or, the good vampire alliance falls apart, and in the final pages of the book, everyone has turned inward on Bella, Edward and the family, and they’re ready to strike. Or, due to circumstances, everyone survives but Bella is trapped on the bottom of the sea, Edward chained to an island, Jacob dead, and the vampire baby being trained by the Evil Vampires.